Fear
by verbal acuity
Summary: Eclareish - Eli wonders about the changes since Clare became intern at the Toronto Interpreter - oneshot, probably, maybe, don't know.


DISCLAIMER: Degrassi isn't mine, yo. Neither are the italicized lyrics.

Okay, so. It's been forever. Don't ask what this is. I don't know what it is. It's probably multiple-chapter, but as it is it's just Eli rambling. I guess it could be considered a journal entry or a free-write. Whatever. It mentions Eclare, Flare and Cake. No one will like this because I'm rusty in the Degrassi department. So if you read it and hate it (likely) don't flame it. Flames are for the pyromaniacs. Enjoy or not.

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FEAR (AND OTHER THINGS SIMILAR)

_I've never been afraid of the highest heights, or afraid of flying_.

Her curls bounced and her eyes had that spark - the spark that ignited my heart - yet she was broken. I could tell. And no one was telling me anything. Everyone knew. Everyone but me. They knew exactly why Clare was different; why whenever I look at her she cries. I didn't do anything... because she'd never say she loves me unless she meant it. But still she cries. When I hold her, and kiss her, and love her, she cries. I don't know what to do but be there. It's becoming frustrating and heartbreaking, watching the girl you love tear herself apart.

We go on dates and she stares off blankly. She says her internship is great. I know the article was damn good, too. She's a literary genius with too much in her head it drives her mad. It's one of the qualities that draws me to her. She's a great writer, and not only because I taught her to take risks with her stories. It's that bit of 'Clare' she adds to her masterpieces that makes it so... Clare. She's not scared anymore, that embarrassed girl sitting in the bench across from the Dot, screaming her lungs out. I don't have to dare her to scare away her insecurities. She does that so well on her own now.

I'm proud of her. But I'm scared, too. I was scared when I was diagnosed bi-polar. I was scared when Imogen brought out my flaws in her artwork. And I scared myself when I broke her camera. But I've never once been scared around Clare. Scared she might die like Julia, yes, or leave me a second time, for good this time. But not scared I would hurt or be hurt by her. No, never. She's precious and wonderful and I wish I could say flawless, but her flaws are one of her greatest aspects.

She's like flying. I want to be able to keep her smiling like I want to be able to fly... but some things are easier said than done. I could easily say, "Yeah, I'm Superman. I can fly and save the world and be a great hero." But that doesn't mean I actually, physically will be able to. The Man of Steel has too much on me. He and I are only alike in being weakened by Kryptonite. Blue eyes are my Kryptonite. Besides, I'd take flying the Bat without autopilot anyday than have superhuman strength and speed. But maybe that's weird. Batman's just cooler. I mean, come on. He's the Dark Knight. And you have to admit, he's had some great villains to go against.

No, I'm not discrediting Lex Luthor, but the Joker? The _Riddler_? Even Scarecrow! Great villains. Dr. Crane sewed his mouth _shut_ in Arkham to aid his becoming-Scarecrow process. Really. Wicked. Admit it.

Who am I talking to, here? Oh, right. This isn't about Batman or DC Comics. It's about Clare.

_I've never been afraid of the wildest fights, not afraid of dying_.

There isn't much I wouldn't do for her. I poisoned someone with Ipecac for her. I crashed a hearse for her; well, that's not something I'm exactly _proud_ of, but it still happened. I blew that chance with her out the window and into the wall Morty, the machine, demolished. He's like a Transformer. Mortimus Prime would have to be his name. If he hadn't been taken from me after that happened. Bullfrog says I can't even see him. Says it might, you know, trigger some problems. Whatever.

Sometimes I get mad. I lash out. Clare still hasn't seen this. She's been cautious, and I think that's why she won't tell me what's eating away at her. She doesn't want me to overreact, which is fair. But I don't want her to suffer either. She deserves so much better. But I can't give her up. Not again. I need to keep her this time. Keep her close and never lose her again. I won't lose this time. I almost lost her to Fitz, and then Jake, but now she's mine and I won't screw it up.

More focused in class than ever, it's like her social life is fading. She answers less and less texts and calls from friends. Her smile diminishes the more we talk, and she's buried in class- and homework. Sometimes I wonder when she replies to my texts if she smiles. I wish we could go back to falling asleep on the phone with each other. When she was bold and brave and kissing me first, because she wanted us back together. I was so happy then. I'm happy now, but why isn't she? I hear the love and fondness in her voice when she says those three words, even if there's tears adding weight to her words. But the smile is gone from her eyes.

I wish she'd talk to me. I'll have to get the truth from Alli if she keeps this up. I need to know.

_But now I want off this ride because you're scaring me_.

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Review whether you like it or not. But if you don't, make your criticism constructive.


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